An Evening With An Assman: Getting Inside A Sexual Deviant
Sept 30, 2019 21:33:00 GMT -6
Wild GM (Jonathan) likes this
Post by Sabres GM (GameFace) on Sept 30, 2019 21:33:00 GMT -6
The People's Champ
Hello Beamer
Diaper Baby Beamer
Why hello...I'm in something comfortable btw...
Cognac?
The People's Champ
Listen, just before the cameras start rolling, i wanted to let you know, your shoes look effeminate. [Producer's note: The cameras were totally already rolling]
Diaper Baby Beamer
Thank you..
They're alligator
The People's Champ
Hello everyone and welcome to our illustrious Fortress of Discourse where we chat with owners of Fantasy Hockey Teams in the illustrious Slapshot Central Dynasty League. I apologize on behalf of myself and our our fantastic crew here that today we bring into your midst the putridly perverted presence of Bea ‘Smells of off-eggs wrapped in burnt bacon’ Mer. But, I urge you all to look down at the orange shirt you pulled over your muscular, brauny, hair covered chests this morning and remember that you dug through your closet to find it because you believe all children matter, even disgusting, pumpkin spice loving, cat owning, walking for the fun of it Flame supporting ones. So we will pinch our noses and get through this together against all better judgement. Beamer, welcome.
Diaper Baby Beamer
Thank you I think....that's the last time I ask you for fashion advice.
The People's Champ
Fantastic. Your line was thank you....We're off to a roaring start. Now, you’re an avid subscriber to Richard Spencer’s newsletter and, prior to this sit down, your handlers laid out some concise and hard rules for me and my Pulitzer Prize winning team of crack question askers to follow. I'm to stick to sports, refrain from all personal questions and not mention the incident of your much publicized Summer of 1984. Talk to the game not the player, they commanded.
With that in mind, let’s start off with an easy and basic hockey question. You are infamously well known for having a smoking hot wife. It is perhaps the one positive thing people attribute to you, yet it is the most vexing hurdle anyone who meets you must overcome. Frankly, it’s possibly the most curious wonder of the world how you fandangled your way into convincing her to settle for you. In our research in the days leading up to this interview, we reached out to the Amazing Kreskin and he could make neither hide nor hair of it.
Considering that, our viewers have a right to know: Where were you when you first met her? Who initiated the conversation? What was the conversation about? What did you notice first: hair, face, boobs or booty? And, how long after your first conversation was she taking you to pleasure town?
Diaper Baby Beamer
I think my team will do very well this year. I think I'll be in contention for the Finals again year. As for my better half, it was 2005, I was fed up with the softball chicks, and decided to take my hockey hair flow to the fields of Ultimtae Frisbee. I joined up on two different teams in two different leagues with the intention of meeting chicks. Met a blond school teacher on one team and the other was a geologist on the other. I hit it off with both but opted for the rock-licker as she had a hot ass (still does). She had invited me to her housewarming party for later on in the month, and then the next week our game was canceled due to flooding so I asked her out knowing she had nothing planned. Dinner, movie and I was in.....as for pleasure town well, I'm a normal red blooded male, so not to much later.
The People's Champ
Ah, frisbee goes well with pumpkin spice, fantasticly predicatable, hope your dockers didn't get too dirty. Moving on. You voted for Rachel Notley in 2015 and Jason Kenney in 2019. If you had to play the Grim Reaper in a game of Blades of Steel where if you lose you’re forced to spend eternity grocery shopping with your mother’s acquaintance whom you have nothing in common with. Who do you choose as your team: The 2003/2004 Calgary Flames or the 1983/1984 Edmonton Oilers? And, SHOW YOUR WORK!
Diaper Baby Beamer
Pumpkin Spice, I think you mean their CBC moderator.... I think the IRL Flames and Lightning meet in the finals....in SCD...
Hell, I'll say the same matchup
.. #goflames. No proof of work needed...it'dtake hours to comply.. Marty Gelinas, Craig Conroy, Iggy, Kipper and crew.....hate the Oilers....its bred into me. Just like you hate boston or any other team that you LSD infused Leftcoasters are raised to believe. I went to the Red Mile numerous times and even saw some Flames playoff games while having a "friendship" visit with a lady friend teaching English in South Korea and Japan.
The People's Champ
I don't believe you. Jumping back to avoid a linear conversation, is it that the ass was/is that juicy, or could you just not bring yourself to engage in flirtation with someone who works in the tax funded public school system which you so despise? And, quick follow up, why do you hate teachers?
Diaper Baby Beamer
I don't mind teachers....just purely hit it off better with brunettes over blondes like the teacher...besides it's what the Mrs. Does now....after being home and giving birth to two little man cubs. I grab at her butt whenever I can tbh. I did find out that what sold her on me was that I own a Mileum Falcon...true story.... I can't blame her to be honest....I'd like me not for my looks , bit for my Star Wars collection too.
The People's Champ
It's fascinating that the next question written down on this napkin our intern Bradbury scribbled on and handed to me is how many kids do you have. Why do you only have two kids and have you been snipped?
Diaper Baby Beamer
Tbh....a few miscarriages. Two kids...if they turned out like you, 2 would be plenty. 2 replaces the wife and I so we're good.
The People's Champ
Ah, sticking with a 1:1 ratio, you reek of science nerd. I assume that's because of the effect our rapidly increasing population has on global warming. Speaking of which, you’ve sent several threatening and weirdly sexual letters to Greta Thunberg that America’s FBI are aware of, considering that, what adult player currently rostered and active on your fantasy hockey team is most likely to be traded first and why do you hate him personally?
Diaper Baby Beamer
That's Mattias Janmark....dual left winger and centerman. Cheap depth, I need room for Jack Hughes to get called up and I hate him as he didn't pick up the bill when we went for tacos last Saturday night.
Trade me a pick and Janmark is all yours
Quit funding the CBC you lefty...
The People's Champ
Ah, yes, the venerable Hughes. Clearly you agree with your wife's apparent sentiment that size doesn't matter. Speaking of: everyone knows that you can’t shake being a grumpy gus on days you miss The View, in that light, I send a muff diver to this player without introduction. Who do I have a harder time handling in the ensuing brawl: Tim Jackson or Brian McGrattan?
Diaper Baby Beamer
You mean Jackman...
The People's Champ
If that would make you feel more comfortable asking, then I'll be your huckleberry you rogue.
Diaper Baby Beamer
Obvious answer is Big Ern...no matter your strips, you need to like the guy
The People's Champ
HA! Big Ern. That's an awfully unfortunate nickname that only belongs sewn onto a bowling jersey. Speaking of goons. Are you comfortable allowing your sons to play hockey or do your fears of possible concussions prevent you from allowing them on the ice?
Diaper Baby Beamer
None at all ...I'm assistant coaching both of them this year...concussions happen in multiple sports...not going to bubble wrap them.
The People's Champ
Delightful. Assistant coaching? Just short of having enough grapes to be the boss i suppose. As we all know, you frequently masturbate to Hanson’s ‘Ooom Bop’ video and, against everything our collectively sensational mothers taught us about good things happening to good people when we were kids, you had some moderate success last year, making it all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals where you were justifiably destroyed by a much more worthy and physically attractive man. What do you think was the biggest key to your success in 18/19 and do you miss the soul you sold to achieve it?
Diaper Baby Beamer
Yep...I hate dealing with hockey parents...assistant coaching is the best...on ice with the kids, bench during games and all flack goes to the head coach. As for SCD.....yeah, last year did sting losing but I've tasted victory before so no need to worry about the soul...it's been long gone. You should really watch a Lance Bass video btw...I think you "get" him...
The People's Champ
Outstanding. So, with no souls left to sell, how do you see your team faring this year against much more competent, respectable and masculine owners than yourself?
Diaper Baby Beamer
Well of people don't pay their 2.58, there won't be a league as we know it... as for my competition...well, I'm sure someone is taking some over the counter meds to get stronger....time will tell I guess
The People's Champ
By over the counter meds do you mean prescription percocets? Because good golly miss molly now you're talking my language. Speaking of sensational self medicating, you were publicly rooting for Drago to beat Apollo in Rocky 4. Who do you see as your biggest competition to hoist the Stanley Cup in 2020 and how many times have you fantasized about stabbing said owner’s heart out with a spoon in the last 48 hours?
Diaper Baby Beamer
Ah...Tampa Bay and my nemesis Carl (good to see you) btw.... I just have to talk smack to him about something....I may have to pay someone he knows to get some dirty laundry on the guy.
The People's Champ
HA! Uh oh, someone warn Tampa to pump up the jam! Which brings us to the fact that you’ve been seen eating pizza with a knife and fork multiple times, where do you see your team in five years? Are you rebuilding with banners hanging from the rafters? Continuing a successful dynasty boasting both past success and current strength, or stuck in the middle with no recent Cups and a team filled with past-their-prime goobers? Or, are you teamless and just jackin it in San Diego?
Diaper Baby Beamer
I like San Diego personally but I think on the back of Mr.Hughes and a few other prospects I'll still be a playoff team with maybe another Cup under my belt. Pineapple on the pizza btw....
The People's Champ
Delicious. Pineapple and banana pepper has been my flavour since the late 90's. You’ve been called an R. Kelly apologist, a Proud Boys member, a Casey Anthony sympathizer and the reason Jai Alai disappeared. What cat are you most concerned about losing each week this season and are you working to add help in that area or do you believe in and adhere to a strategy of punting a cat to ensure strength in other cats.
Diaper Baby Beamer
FOW..I always lose that cat. Goaltending isn't my forte either. You and I need to eat some Za together...at least we have that in common
The People's Champ
Learning I have anything in common with you is akin to biting into a lightbulb. We’re on the final stretch. Just three more questions. As you can see, our luxurious auditorium has almost entirely emptied out and the few people remaining are only still here because they fell asleep long ago. You are human prozac. What trade do you most regret making in the past year and what trade do you feel like the luckiest man in the world for being a part of in that same timeframe.
Diaper Baby Beamer
Acquiring the 1st overall pick from ANA with Fowler. Previous GM for Anaheim sent that to me in a deal for a player or two he wanted and he wanted to dump Fowler's salary. The 1st became a lottery pick and we know the ending there. Regrettable trade....
Go way back....I regretted dealing away Kevin Fiala for a rental goalie (Neuvirth I think). Fiala was just a prospect at the time....once acquired...Neuvirth was hurt for the rest of the year .
The People's Champ
Well, good news for the Minnesota Wild's marketing department, we all just became Fiala fans. Literally and metaphorically speaking, Albertan men are known for having small feet, limited spacial recognition and weak stomachs that can't handle spicy foods, how often did you get into bar fights in your 20’s and did you swing first most of the time, or in retaliation most of the time? Or, can you count the amount of men you’ve punched in the face on one hand?
Diaper Baby Beamer
Nothing in bars...I'm lover, not a fighter. I have scrapped in beer league though...and won. The dude started it, started punching the top of my helmet, and I got fed up grabbed his helmet ripped it off and gave him two black eyes and a few more bruises on the face. I only had a headache from the moron punching my helmet.
I love East Indian btw...castiron tummy....
The People's Champ
Ah, well I hope you one day find a shami kebab mild enough for your infant stomach. Maybe just stick with a bowl of pablum? We've charitably and thankfully reached the conclusion of this regrettable run-in with league villain and crusty old dean Diaper Baby Beamer. We hope our esteemed viewers wisely chose to either read something else, or get yourself right fucking unconscious grr drunk before exposing yourselves to these ramblings of a terrifyingly mad weirdo. Our last question for you Beamer the Leamer is a two parter: Do you yearn? How often?
Diaper Baby Beamer
Yearn...never. how often....whenever I like. Hell...happened during this interview.
The People's Champ
Beamer we thank you for your time. I think i can safely speak for all of us here at the Fortress of Discourse when i say it was a pleasure we hope never repeats itself ever, ever, again. #KiprusoffWasASieve
Diaper Baby Beamer
Merci...best you get back to making inane offers to acquire Biaga, Goldobin Nd Sven B.
Hello Beamer
Diaper Baby Beamer
Why hello...I'm in something comfortable btw...
Cognac?
The People's Champ
Listen, just before the cameras start rolling, i wanted to let you know, your shoes look effeminate. [Producer's note: The cameras were totally already rolling]
Diaper Baby Beamer
Thank you..
They're alligator
The People's Champ
Hello everyone and welcome to our illustrious Fortress of Discourse where we chat with owners of Fantasy Hockey Teams in the illustrious Slapshot Central Dynasty League. I apologize on behalf of myself and our our fantastic crew here that today we bring into your midst the putridly perverted presence of Bea ‘Smells of off-eggs wrapped in burnt bacon’ Mer. But, I urge you all to look down at the orange shirt you pulled over your muscular, brauny, hair covered chests this morning and remember that you dug through your closet to find it because you believe all children matter, even disgusting, pumpkin spice loving, cat owning, walking for the fun of it Flame supporting ones. So we will pinch our noses and get through this together against all better judgement. Beamer, welcome.
Diaper Baby Beamer
Thank you I think....that's the last time I ask you for fashion advice.
The People's Champ
Fantastic. Your line was thank you....We're off to a roaring start. Now, you’re an avid subscriber to Richard Spencer’s newsletter and, prior to this sit down, your handlers laid out some concise and hard rules for me and my Pulitzer Prize winning team of crack question askers to follow. I'm to stick to sports, refrain from all personal questions and not mention the incident of your much publicized Summer of 1984. Talk to the game not the player, they commanded.
With that in mind, let’s start off with an easy and basic hockey question. You are infamously well known for having a smoking hot wife. It is perhaps the one positive thing people attribute to you, yet it is the most vexing hurdle anyone who meets you must overcome. Frankly, it’s possibly the most curious wonder of the world how you fandangled your way into convincing her to settle for you. In our research in the days leading up to this interview, we reached out to the Amazing Kreskin and he could make neither hide nor hair of it.
Considering that, our viewers have a right to know: Where were you when you first met her? Who initiated the conversation? What was the conversation about? What did you notice first: hair, face, boobs or booty? And, how long after your first conversation was she taking you to pleasure town?
Diaper Baby Beamer
I think my team will do very well this year. I think I'll be in contention for the Finals again year. As for my better half, it was 2005, I was fed up with the softball chicks, and decided to take my hockey hair flow to the fields of Ultimtae Frisbee. I joined up on two different teams in two different leagues with the intention of meeting chicks. Met a blond school teacher on one team and the other was a geologist on the other. I hit it off with both but opted for the rock-licker as she had a hot ass (still does). She had invited me to her housewarming party for later on in the month, and then the next week our game was canceled due to flooding so I asked her out knowing she had nothing planned. Dinner, movie and I was in.....as for pleasure town well, I'm a normal red blooded male, so not to much later.
The People's Champ
Ah, frisbee goes well with pumpkin spice, fantasticly predicatable, hope your dockers didn't get too dirty. Moving on. You voted for Rachel Notley in 2015 and Jason Kenney in 2019. If you had to play the Grim Reaper in a game of Blades of Steel where if you lose you’re forced to spend eternity grocery shopping with your mother’s acquaintance whom you have nothing in common with. Who do you choose as your team: The 2003/2004 Calgary Flames or the 1983/1984 Edmonton Oilers? And, SHOW YOUR WORK!
Diaper Baby Beamer
Pumpkin Spice, I think you mean their CBC moderator.... I think the IRL Flames and Lightning meet in the finals....in SCD...
Hell, I'll say the same matchup
.. #goflames. No proof of work needed...it'dtake hours to comply.. Marty Gelinas, Craig Conroy, Iggy, Kipper and crew.....hate the Oilers....its bred into me. Just like you hate boston or any other team that you LSD infused Leftcoasters are raised to believe. I went to the Red Mile numerous times and even saw some Flames playoff games while having a "friendship" visit with a lady friend teaching English in South Korea and Japan.
The People's Champ
I don't believe you. Jumping back to avoid a linear conversation, is it that the ass was/is that juicy, or could you just not bring yourself to engage in flirtation with someone who works in the tax funded public school system which you so despise? And, quick follow up, why do you hate teachers?
Diaper Baby Beamer
I don't mind teachers....just purely hit it off better with brunettes over blondes like the teacher...besides it's what the Mrs. Does now....after being home and giving birth to two little man cubs. I grab at her butt whenever I can tbh. I did find out that what sold her on me was that I own a Mileum Falcon...true story.... I can't blame her to be honest....I'd like me not for my looks , bit for my Star Wars collection too.
The People's Champ
It's fascinating that the next question written down on this napkin our intern Bradbury scribbled on and handed to me is how many kids do you have. Why do you only have two kids and have you been snipped?
Diaper Baby Beamer
Tbh....a few miscarriages. Two kids...if they turned out like you, 2 would be plenty. 2 replaces the wife and I so we're good.
The People's Champ
Ah, sticking with a 1:1 ratio, you reek of science nerd. I assume that's because of the effect our rapidly increasing population has on global warming. Speaking of which, you’ve sent several threatening and weirdly sexual letters to Greta Thunberg that America’s FBI are aware of, considering that, what adult player currently rostered and active on your fantasy hockey team is most likely to be traded first and why do you hate him personally?
Diaper Baby Beamer
That's Mattias Janmark....dual left winger and centerman. Cheap depth, I need room for Jack Hughes to get called up and I hate him as he didn't pick up the bill when we went for tacos last Saturday night.
Trade me a pick and Janmark is all yours
Quit funding the CBC you lefty...
The People's Champ
Ah, yes, the venerable Hughes. Clearly you agree with your wife's apparent sentiment that size doesn't matter. Speaking of: everyone knows that you can’t shake being a grumpy gus on days you miss The View, in that light, I send a muff diver to this player without introduction. Who do I have a harder time handling in the ensuing brawl: Tim Jackson or Brian McGrattan?
Diaper Baby Beamer
You mean Jackman...
The People's Champ
If that would make you feel more comfortable asking, then I'll be your huckleberry you rogue.
Diaper Baby Beamer
Obvious answer is Big Ern...no matter your strips, you need to like the guy
The People's Champ
HA! Big Ern. That's an awfully unfortunate nickname that only belongs sewn onto a bowling jersey. Speaking of goons. Are you comfortable allowing your sons to play hockey or do your fears of possible concussions prevent you from allowing them on the ice?
Diaper Baby Beamer
None at all ...I'm assistant coaching both of them this year...concussions happen in multiple sports...not going to bubble wrap them.
The People's Champ
Delightful. Assistant coaching? Just short of having enough grapes to be the boss i suppose. As we all know, you frequently masturbate to Hanson’s ‘Ooom Bop’ video and, against everything our collectively sensational mothers taught us about good things happening to good people when we were kids, you had some moderate success last year, making it all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals where you were justifiably destroyed by a much more worthy and physically attractive man. What do you think was the biggest key to your success in 18/19 and do you miss the soul you sold to achieve it?
Diaper Baby Beamer
Yep...I hate dealing with hockey parents...assistant coaching is the best...on ice with the kids, bench during games and all flack goes to the head coach. As for SCD.....yeah, last year did sting losing but I've tasted victory before so no need to worry about the soul...it's been long gone. You should really watch a Lance Bass video btw...I think you "get" him...
The People's Champ
Outstanding. So, with no souls left to sell, how do you see your team faring this year against much more competent, respectable and masculine owners than yourself?
Diaper Baby Beamer
Well of people don't pay their 2.58, there won't be a league as we know it... as for my competition...well, I'm sure someone is taking some over the counter meds to get stronger....time will tell I guess
The People's Champ
By over the counter meds do you mean prescription percocets? Because good golly miss molly now you're talking my language. Speaking of sensational self medicating, you were publicly rooting for Drago to beat Apollo in Rocky 4. Who do you see as your biggest competition to hoist the Stanley Cup in 2020 and how many times have you fantasized about stabbing said owner’s heart out with a spoon in the last 48 hours?
Diaper Baby Beamer
Ah...Tampa Bay and my nemesis Carl (good to see you) btw.... I just have to talk smack to him about something....I may have to pay someone he knows to get some dirty laundry on the guy.
The People's Champ
HA! Uh oh, someone warn Tampa to pump up the jam! Which brings us to the fact that you’ve been seen eating pizza with a knife and fork multiple times, where do you see your team in five years? Are you rebuilding with banners hanging from the rafters? Continuing a successful dynasty boasting both past success and current strength, or stuck in the middle with no recent Cups and a team filled with past-their-prime goobers? Or, are you teamless and just jackin it in San Diego?
Diaper Baby Beamer
I like San Diego personally but I think on the back of Mr.Hughes and a few other prospects I'll still be a playoff team with maybe another Cup under my belt. Pineapple on the pizza btw....
The People's Champ
Delicious. Pineapple and banana pepper has been my flavour since the late 90's. You’ve been called an R. Kelly apologist, a Proud Boys member, a Casey Anthony sympathizer and the reason Jai Alai disappeared. What cat are you most concerned about losing each week this season and are you working to add help in that area or do you believe in and adhere to a strategy of punting a cat to ensure strength in other cats.
Diaper Baby Beamer
FOW..I always lose that cat. Goaltending isn't my forte either. You and I need to eat some Za together...at least we have that in common
The People's Champ
Learning I have anything in common with you is akin to biting into a lightbulb. We’re on the final stretch. Just three more questions. As you can see, our luxurious auditorium has almost entirely emptied out and the few people remaining are only still here because they fell asleep long ago. You are human prozac. What trade do you most regret making in the past year and what trade do you feel like the luckiest man in the world for being a part of in that same timeframe.
Diaper Baby Beamer
Acquiring the 1st overall pick from ANA with Fowler. Previous GM for Anaheim sent that to me in a deal for a player or two he wanted and he wanted to dump Fowler's salary. The 1st became a lottery pick and we know the ending there. Regrettable trade....
Go way back....I regretted dealing away Kevin Fiala for a rental goalie (Neuvirth I think). Fiala was just a prospect at the time....once acquired...Neuvirth was hurt for the rest of the year .
The People's Champ
Well, good news for the Minnesota Wild's marketing department, we all just became Fiala fans. Literally and metaphorically speaking, Albertan men are known for having small feet, limited spacial recognition and weak stomachs that can't handle spicy foods, how often did you get into bar fights in your 20’s and did you swing first most of the time, or in retaliation most of the time? Or, can you count the amount of men you’ve punched in the face on one hand?
Diaper Baby Beamer
Nothing in bars...I'm lover, not a fighter. I have scrapped in beer league though...and won. The dude started it, started punching the top of my helmet, and I got fed up grabbed his helmet ripped it off and gave him two black eyes and a few more bruises on the face. I only had a headache from the moron punching my helmet.
I love East Indian btw...castiron tummy....
The People's Champ
Ah, well I hope you one day find a shami kebab mild enough for your infant stomach. Maybe just stick with a bowl of pablum? We've charitably and thankfully reached the conclusion of this regrettable run-in with league villain and crusty old dean Diaper Baby Beamer. We hope our esteemed viewers wisely chose to either read something else, or get yourself right fucking unconscious grr drunk before exposing yourselves to these ramblings of a terrifyingly mad weirdo. Our last question for you Beamer the Leamer is a two parter: Do you yearn? How often?
Diaper Baby Beamer
Yearn...never. how often....whenever I like. Hell...happened during this interview.
The People's Champ
Beamer we thank you for your time. I think i can safely speak for all of us here at the Fortress of Discourse when i say it was a pleasure we hope never repeats itself ever, ever, again. #KiprusoffWasASieve
Diaper Baby Beamer
Merci...best you get back to making inane offers to acquire Biaga, Goldobin Nd Sven B.